I would die for that

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ&feature=related

I've been listening to the song I posted above.... and after listening to it, I finally watched the video.  The last minute of the song, the signs really got to me and started to make me tear up. I thought of my sister....I thought of my mom. It is so extremely powerful.

I Would Die For That by Kellie Coffey

Jenny was my best friend.Went away one summer.Came back with a secretShe just couldn't keep.A child inside her,Was just too much for herSo she cried herself to sleep.
And she made a decisionSome find hard to accept.To young to know that one dayShe might live to regret.
But I would die for that.Just to have one chanceTo hold in my handsAll that she had.I would die for that.
I've been given so much,A husband that I love.So why do I feel incomplete?With every test and checkupWe're told not to give up.He wonders if it's him.And I wonder if it's me.
All I want is a family,Like everyone else I see.And I won't understand itIf it's not meant to be.
Cause I would die for that.Just to have one chanceTo hold in my handsAll that they have.I would die for that.
And I want to know what it's likeTo bring a dream to life.For that kind of love,What I'd give up!I would die for that.
Sometimes it's hard to conceive,With all that I've got,And all I've achieved,What I want mostBefore my time is gone,Is to hear the words"I love you, Mom."
I would die for that.Just to have once chanceTo hold in my handsWhat so many haveI would die for that.
And I want to know what it's likeTo bring a dream to life.How I would loveWhat some give up.I would die....I would die for that




About a month ago, I found out someone I knew was pregnant..... and, was very vocal about not wanting to be.  For a week or two, I secretly wanted to pull her aside and tell her that if she didn't want the baby, I would take it for her.  But, I didn't.  I felt like it was an awful suggestion to tell someone and I felt horrible for even THINKING of doing such.

I found out this past week she had an abortion. My heart sunk and I felt so much anger. There are SO many people out there who are struggling with infertility.  Do you know how abortions are done?!  Do you know what tools they use?!  This is a LIFE?!  Do you know what this does to your body? What if your child was the next president or astronaut?!  How.....why......really?

An update, on my 29th birthday

All week I have been debating on updating, as thoughts whirl through my mind, and emotions have ran high.... I have continued to keep my chin up and remain faithful.

Last week we had our 3 month check up.  At the time, I had lost ALMOST 10% of my body weight, which is SOOOOOOOOO good for me to help treat the PCOS.  As of today, I have officially lost MORE THAN 10% of my body fat and am continuing to go strong.  I feel empowered to know I have been able to lose 25lbs in 10 weeks all on my own, no medications, no quick fix fad diets, just hard work and exercise. 

Though the Metformin is obviously working since I have been menstruating (until this month?!), I am not ovulating.  The doctor told me, "things aren't looking good for conception".  As I heard those words, I could feel myself thinking in my head, "Tessa, don't cry....don't cry".  The doctor sat there in silence watching me, observing me, studying me....waiting for some reaction.  But. I had nothing.  No emotions.  Instead. What was the first thing that was said?  My husband, from behind me out of no where says, "I don't care whether we are pregnant now or never, all that's important is that she gets healthy."

Oh my gosh. I could feel myself melt on the inside.  I don't understand how this man can love me so much.  I really don't, it just.... I can't even put words to it.  A man, who I have so much in common, yet have so many differences, we have come to a spot where we meet in the middle and we just click together like puzzle pieces.  I don't understand how he can be so supportive, and never sway. There are days I still think to myself, "Is this too good to be true?" but there hasn't been one single day I have ever questioned his love and devotion to me.  He is my blessing.  

I got home that night, and away from his presence, became slightly emotional. Again, I was beating myself up, feeling as if this is all my fault.  It's not Matt's, it's not my families or friends, it's mine.  I didn't realize it when I was younger the damage I was doing to my body; I never thought of being a mother at that time. I did what I wanted, when I wanted.  Now, as an adult, I am paying the consequences.

I found out last night my best friend is pregnant and she is concerned as she feels she is too old; she is a year older than me.  Having her tell me this, only solidifies my fears, of how old is too old to have a child of my own?  Will I never have a little red headed blue eyed baby crawling on the floors and playing with the dogs? But. What if?  What if it is and what if it's not?  Will it be the end of the world? 

I don't know much, but there are some things in this world that I know for sure.  I am here to love and be loved. I am not restricted to who I can love and how many.  That being said - what if it has been God's plan all along that I am not meant to be pregnant at this point in time, but to open my house and my heart to a foster child.  A child, who has been taken out of their home and away from their parents under the worst of circumstances; situations, that is no fault of their own?  Oh my gosh.... what if this is God's will for me and look how selfish I have been acting?  

April 1st we will begin our foster care classes to become state licensed in Illinois.  This is the last step as part of our background and paperwork.  While taking the class, all of our background check's will be processed which takes approx 6 weeks.  I can't believe this is finally happening for us. 

Instead of dwelling, questioning, pining over my own selfish feelings, I continue to be hopeful; hopeful that I won't necessarily become a mother one day, but hopeful that I can continue to live the life God wants for me and my family and that I will be able to be used the way he desires.  

In the end.  As we left the office, my doctor told me we will have to attempt with fertility drugs again.  This time, I said "No".  I can't help but feel as though if God truly wanted me pregnant, then heck, I would be!  If not, whether it's timing or what not, than I won't be.  

I truly believe Science can only do so much and go so far, and then God steps in.