Some Nights by Fun.

I discovered this song last week, and ever since, if I feel myself getting down or just kinda "blah" I blare this song throughout the house.  I don't know why, even though the message is so powerful, the beat of the song, along with it's gorgeous harmonies, truly lifts me up.  It makes me feel empowered and strengthens me.

Forward to :56 to where the song starts.

"Some Nights"

Some nights I stay up cashing in my bad luck
Some nights I call it a draw
Some nights I wish that my lips could build a castle
Some nights I wish they'd just fall off

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh, Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for oh
Woah oh oh (What do I stand for?)
Woah oh oh (What do I stand for?)
Most nights I don't know anymore...
Oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, oh,
Oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, oh

This is it, boys, this is war - what are we waiting for?
Why don't we break the rules already?
I was never one to believe the hype
Save that for the black and white
I try twice as hard and I'm half as liked,
But here they come again to jack my style

That's alright (that's alright)
I found a martyr in my bed tonight
She stops my bones from wondering just who I am, who I am, who I am
Oh, who am I? Mmm... Mmm...

Well, some nights I wish that this all would end
'Cause I could use some friends for a change.
And some nights I'm scared you'll forget me again
Some nights I always win, I always win...

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh, Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for, oh
Woah oh oh (What do I stand for?)
Woah oh oh (What do I stand for?)
Most nights I don't know... (oh, come on)

So this is it. I sold my soul for this?
Washed my hands of that for this?
I miss my mom and dad for this?

(Come on)

No. When I see stars, when I see, when I see stars, that's all they are
When I hear songs, they sound like this one, so come on.
Oh, come on. Oh, come on. Oh, come on!

Well, that is it guys, that is all - five minutes in and I'm bored again
Ten years of this, I'm not sure if anybody understands
This one is not for the folks at home;
Sorry to leave, mom, I had to go
Who the fuck wants to die alone all dried up in the desert sun?

My heart is breaking for my sister and the con that she call "love"
When I look into my nephew's eyes...
Man, you wouldn't believe the most amazing things that can come from...
Some terrible nights... ah... 

Oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, oh,
Oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, oh

The other night you wouldn't believe the dream I just had about you and me
I called you up but we'd both agree

It's for the best you didn't listen
It's for the best we get our distance... Oh...
It's for the best you didn't listen
It's for the best we get our distance... Oh...

“The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it...” - Nicholas Sparks

As I sit there during our second foster care parenting class... I listen intensively as the instructor goes over the job of the foster parent, as well as the job of DCFS.  I feel my face getting red, I feel my heart begin to race.  As I clench my fist and choke back tears.... I realize I am becoming enraged with anger.  But....but....why?  This is a course that should be showing me how to better myself to be able to provide the needs of a child, and how to be better prepared for such!

So - why the anger?

In the state of Illinois, biological parents have to provide the absolute minimal basic needs for their children.  This consists of food, shelter and education.  As a foster parent, in the state of Illinois, you are expected to give exceptional care to a foster child and go far and above just food, shelter, and education, but to also provide care for their emotional, mental, spiritual, physical and social needs.

Why is this upsetting?  It is no secret that there are some parents out there that just should not be parents!  And while we have parents who continue to have children, which they cannot take care of, there are people like me who have tried for YEARS to have children and we can't even have ONE!  Instead, it's people like me who have to go behind these god-awful parents and pick up the pieces!  Do these parents not realize what they are doing to their children?  How can they be so selfish?

Why is it that a FOSTER parent is expected to give a child more care, than their own parent?  Shouldn't the biological parent be expected to go above and beyond to care for their child? Give me a break!  What is wrong here?

On top of that, as I became more and more enraged, I began to think about all the times DCFS has not only failed me, but failed individuals I know.  DCFS back home is a joke.  At break - I spoke with one of our instructors and told her how I felt (but made sure to say, "please don't take offense").   As I told her the situations and my feelings about DCFS, she laughed, asked if it was Cook County, and when I said yes, she snickered, nodded her head, looked away, and stated they have a LONG history of this.

We contacted DCFS in Cook County last September to inquire about Foster Care.  We are now into April?  That's 8 months....we still have not heard from them!  We ended up going through Lutheran Services out of Peoria (who is definitely on top of things!) and it was them who got the ball rolling within 2 hours of hearing about the situation of Cook County not contacting us.  Peoria does not mess around!

Umm...."excuse me"?  And this is acceptable?   This is a great example of why so many children are messed up and why the state of Illinois is in so much debt.  Because we continue to allow these individuals to keep making babies and instead of intervening, we let it happen and let these children go with out food, education and in some instances, abuse.

*sigh*

It angers me.... it angers me.

Did you know that ANIMAL ABUSE was addressed long before Child Abuse was?  How's that for messed up?!

We have had two courses now toward getting our foster license.  We have 7 weeks left (yes, my husband is on a count down).  Thus far, we haven't gotten much out of these classes.  I told my husband last week, I think it's because we had done such a vast amount of research prior to deciding to go this route, that we were more prepared as to what to expect.  Between that and talking with individuals who have done foster care, I felt as though we were a little more prepared than the other parents?  As my husband pointed out too, we are the only couple in the course that is wanting to do foster care, the other couples are wanting to adopt.

I guess I am just disappointed.  You know, 6 years ago I would have never felt this way.  I would not have been so passionate about children receiving justice or parents being PARENTS and doing their job.  6 years ago you could have told me that I couldn't have kids and you know what, I probably wouldn't have blinked!  I was single, I was living life.... I didn't have a care in the world....

.... and then life happened.  I fell in love. I got married.  All of a sudden, I realize the value of a family, the value of being so in love, that you have the opportunity to create this tiny being and bring it into the world and help it be as successful as possible. To love it, nurture it, care for it.  To help it grow, to love, to be independent..... and I want that.  I want that for my husband and I.   Why has God challenged us like this?  Why me?   What have I done that is so immoral, that I am being punished?  Yet - there are evil parents out there, who rape, abuse and starve their children.... and they continue to conceive more and more children?

Children are a blessing..... I don't think you realize how much of a blessing they really are until you are faced with the possibility of never having one.  Someone might think "What a cruel God?".  But, I don't.  I have to remain hopeful that God has bigger plans for me.  Because if I don't - I know depression will consume my thoughts, my life and my mind and I will enter a very dark place.  My faith in God has kept me strong. Hopeful. He's helped me keep my head up and to trust in him.  God has never let me down yet.  Even when my future seemed bleak and I did not know what I had in store..... God did.  And His blessings flowed over me like nothing I have ever experienced.  I will continue to trust God, no matter what he chooses for me.

It's a painful....painful process.... but when I feel myself becoming overwhelmed with my thoughts and emotions....  I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and ask God for strength and courage, to continue to move forward.  I know He hears me.... I have faith.

“God knows your value; He sees your potential. You may not understand everything you are going through right now. But hold your head up high, knowing that God is in control and he has a great plan and purpose for your life. Your dreams may not have turned out exactly as you’d hoped, but the bible says that God’s ways are better and higher than our ways, even when everybody else rejects you, remember, God stands before you with His arms open wide. He always accepts you. He always confirms your value. God sees your two good moves! You are His prized possession. No matter what you go through in life, no matter how many disappointments you suffer, your value in God’s eyes always remains the same. You will always be the apple of His eye. He will never give up on you, so don’t give up on yourself.” 
― Joel Osteen