These Bruises make for better conversation

For months, I've began writing, completed an entry, and then before ever adding it, I find I delete it out of anger or hostility.

We are licensed foster care parents and within the first two weeks, the state is already kind of screwing with us.  I don't know whether it's just the state we live in, or whether or not it's just our government....but it's pretty shameful to say the very least.  We haven't had any children placed with us yet, which honestly, is okay. Everything happens for a reason and clearly we don't have children right now for some reason. That doesn't make it easy, but it's at least justified.

I would love to say a lot has happened, but I don't know if that is a valid statement.  The last 10 weeks I have worked any where from 60-72 hrs PER week. My life has revolved around working, and getting minimal sleep and food.  To say my body is just tired and exhausted is pretty much an understatement.

Last week I had the worst cramps of my life.  I honestly think it would have been a relief if someone would have just put me out of my misery the pain was so severe.  I couldn't stand, couldn't sit. I was hunched over, nauseous and having spells of dizziness and black outs..... oh - and my "period" came two weeks early....coming from someone who is always anywhere from 1-2 weeks LATE as her norm.

After having terrible cramps for nearly a week, I finally spoke to someone at work.  I guess working in an ER has it's perks.

I thought I was having a ruptured cyst, but the doctor is pretty confident I had a miscarriage. Um. WTF?!  I did two rounds of blood work, the first round showed yes, something happened, the second round wasn't as clear cut and dry as they had thought. The doctor said she is still pretty confident due to my blood work and my signs and symptoms I did infact have a miscarriage.... and I'm sitting here just thinking, "What. The. Fuck.".

I don't think I'm handling it how I should be.  I have a lot of confusion sometimes..... and other times I just don't think about it at all.  I think more than anything, when I do think about it, it is never a case of "oh my god, I was ALMOST a mom?!" It's always, "What the fuck, T!?  You screw up! Look what you did!"  The guilt is really overwhelming sometimes and I don't know how to shake that.... not that it's something I dwell on, cuz' as I said, I don't think about it as often as some would think....BUT, when I do, look out..... mental lashing is coming.  Plus - as I said - I also don't necessarily believe the results.

I'm re focusing my life around me and continuing to get healthy.  It's my life, and I only have one, right?  Just need to wake up and put one foot in front of the other day in and day out.

It is what it is.  Nothing I can do about it.