Some Nights by Fun.

I discovered this song last week, and ever since, if I feel myself getting down or just kinda "blah" I blare this song throughout the house.  I don't know why, even though the message is so powerful, the beat of the song, along with it's gorgeous harmonies, truly lifts me up.  It makes me feel empowered and strengthens me.

Forward to :56 to where the song starts.

"Some Nights"

Some nights I stay up cashing in my bad luck
Some nights I call it a draw
Some nights I wish that my lips could build a castle
Some nights I wish they'd just fall off

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh, Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for oh
Woah oh oh (What do I stand for?)
Woah oh oh (What do I stand for?)
Most nights I don't know anymore...
Oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, oh,
Oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, oh

This is it, boys, this is war - what are we waiting for?
Why don't we break the rules already?
I was never one to believe the hype
Save that for the black and white
I try twice as hard and I'm half as liked,
But here they come again to jack my style

That's alright (that's alright)
I found a martyr in my bed tonight
She stops my bones from wondering just who I am, who I am, who I am
Oh, who am I? Mmm... Mmm...

Well, some nights I wish that this all would end
'Cause I could use some friends for a change.
And some nights I'm scared you'll forget me again
Some nights I always win, I always win...

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh, Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for, oh
Woah oh oh (What do I stand for?)
Woah oh oh (What do I stand for?)
Most nights I don't know... (oh, come on)

So this is it. I sold my soul for this?
Washed my hands of that for this?
I miss my mom and dad for this?

(Come on)

No. When I see stars, when I see, when I see stars, that's all they are
When I hear songs, they sound like this one, so come on.
Oh, come on. Oh, come on. Oh, come on!

Well, that is it guys, that is all - five minutes in and I'm bored again
Ten years of this, I'm not sure if anybody understands
This one is not for the folks at home;
Sorry to leave, mom, I had to go
Who the fuck wants to die alone all dried up in the desert sun?

My heart is breaking for my sister and the con that she call "love"
When I look into my nephew's eyes...
Man, you wouldn't believe the most amazing things that can come from...
Some terrible nights... ah... 

Oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, oh,
Oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, oh

The other night you wouldn't believe the dream I just had about you and me
I called you up but we'd both agree

It's for the best you didn't listen
It's for the best we get our distance... Oh...
It's for the best you didn't listen
It's for the best we get our distance... Oh...

“The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it...” - Nicholas Sparks

As I sit there during our second foster care parenting class... I listen intensively as the instructor goes over the job of the foster parent, as well as the job of DCFS.  I feel my face getting red, I feel my heart begin to race.  As I clench my fist and choke back tears.... I realize I am becoming enraged with anger.  But....but....why?  This is a course that should be showing me how to better myself to be able to provide the needs of a child, and how to be better prepared for such!

So - why the anger?

In the state of Illinois, biological parents have to provide the absolute minimal basic needs for their children.  This consists of food, shelter and education.  As a foster parent, in the state of Illinois, you are expected to give exceptional care to a foster child and go far and above just food, shelter, and education, but to also provide care for their emotional, mental, spiritual, physical and social needs.

Why is this upsetting?  It is no secret that there are some parents out there that just should not be parents!  And while we have parents who continue to have children, which they cannot take care of, there are people like me who have tried for YEARS to have children and we can't even have ONE!  Instead, it's people like me who have to go behind these god-awful parents and pick up the pieces!  Do these parents not realize what they are doing to their children?  How can they be so selfish?

Why is it that a FOSTER parent is expected to give a child more care, than their own parent?  Shouldn't the biological parent be expected to go above and beyond to care for their child? Give me a break!  What is wrong here?

On top of that, as I became more and more enraged, I began to think about all the times DCFS has not only failed me, but failed individuals I know.  DCFS back home is a joke.  At break - I spoke with one of our instructors and told her how I felt (but made sure to say, "please don't take offense").   As I told her the situations and my feelings about DCFS, she laughed, asked if it was Cook County, and when I said yes, she snickered, nodded her head, looked away, and stated they have a LONG history of this.

We contacted DCFS in Cook County last September to inquire about Foster Care.  We are now into April?  That's 8 months....we still have not heard from them!  We ended up going through Lutheran Services out of Peoria (who is definitely on top of things!) and it was them who got the ball rolling within 2 hours of hearing about the situation of Cook County not contacting us.  Peoria does not mess around!

Umm...."excuse me"?  And this is acceptable?   This is a great example of why so many children are messed up and why the state of Illinois is in so much debt.  Because we continue to allow these individuals to keep making babies and instead of intervening, we let it happen and let these children go with out food, education and in some instances, abuse.

*sigh*

It angers me.... it angers me.

Did you know that ANIMAL ABUSE was addressed long before Child Abuse was?  How's that for messed up?!

We have had two courses now toward getting our foster license.  We have 7 weeks left (yes, my husband is on a count down).  Thus far, we haven't gotten much out of these classes.  I told my husband last week, I think it's because we had done such a vast amount of research prior to deciding to go this route, that we were more prepared as to what to expect.  Between that and talking with individuals who have done foster care, I felt as though we were a little more prepared than the other parents?  As my husband pointed out too, we are the only couple in the course that is wanting to do foster care, the other couples are wanting to adopt.

I guess I am just disappointed.  You know, 6 years ago I would have never felt this way.  I would not have been so passionate about children receiving justice or parents being PARENTS and doing their job.  6 years ago you could have told me that I couldn't have kids and you know what, I probably wouldn't have blinked!  I was single, I was living life.... I didn't have a care in the world....

.... and then life happened.  I fell in love. I got married.  All of a sudden, I realize the value of a family, the value of being so in love, that you have the opportunity to create this tiny being and bring it into the world and help it be as successful as possible. To love it, nurture it, care for it.  To help it grow, to love, to be independent..... and I want that.  I want that for my husband and I.   Why has God challenged us like this?  Why me?   What have I done that is so immoral, that I am being punished?  Yet - there are evil parents out there, who rape, abuse and starve their children.... and they continue to conceive more and more children?

Children are a blessing..... I don't think you realize how much of a blessing they really are until you are faced with the possibility of never having one.  Someone might think "What a cruel God?".  But, I don't.  I have to remain hopeful that God has bigger plans for me.  Because if I don't - I know depression will consume my thoughts, my life and my mind and I will enter a very dark place.  My faith in God has kept me strong. Hopeful. He's helped me keep my head up and to trust in him.  God has never let me down yet.  Even when my future seemed bleak and I did not know what I had in store..... God did.  And His blessings flowed over me like nothing I have ever experienced.  I will continue to trust God, no matter what he chooses for me.

It's a painful....painful process.... but when I feel myself becoming overwhelmed with my thoughts and emotions....  I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and ask God for strength and courage, to continue to move forward.  I know He hears me.... I have faith.

“God knows your value; He sees your potential. You may not understand everything you are going through right now. But hold your head up high, knowing that God is in control and he has a great plan and purpose for your life. Your dreams may not have turned out exactly as you’d hoped, but the bible says that God’s ways are better and higher than our ways, even when everybody else rejects you, remember, God stands before you with His arms open wide. He always accepts you. He always confirms your value. God sees your two good moves! You are His prized possession. No matter what you go through in life, no matter how many disappointments you suffer, your value in God’s eyes always remains the same. You will always be the apple of His eye. He will never give up on you, so don’t give up on yourself.” 
― Joel Osteen

I would die for that

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ&feature=related

I've been listening to the song I posted above.... and after listening to it, I finally watched the video.  The last minute of the song, the signs really got to me and started to make me tear up. I thought of my sister....I thought of my mom. It is so extremely powerful.

I Would Die For That by Kellie Coffey

Jenny was my best friend.Went away one summer.Came back with a secretShe just couldn't keep.A child inside her,Was just too much for herSo she cried herself to sleep.
And she made a decisionSome find hard to accept.To young to know that one dayShe might live to regret.
But I would die for that.Just to have one chanceTo hold in my handsAll that she had.I would die for that.
I've been given so much,A husband that I love.So why do I feel incomplete?With every test and checkupWe're told not to give up.He wonders if it's him.And I wonder if it's me.
All I want is a family,Like everyone else I see.And I won't understand itIf it's not meant to be.
Cause I would die for that.Just to have one chanceTo hold in my handsAll that they have.I would die for that.
And I want to know what it's likeTo bring a dream to life.For that kind of love,What I'd give up!I would die for that.
Sometimes it's hard to conceive,With all that I've got,And all I've achieved,What I want mostBefore my time is gone,Is to hear the words"I love you, Mom."
I would die for that.Just to have once chanceTo hold in my handsWhat so many haveI would die for that.
And I want to know what it's likeTo bring a dream to life.How I would loveWhat some give up.I would die....I would die for that




About a month ago, I found out someone I knew was pregnant..... and, was very vocal about not wanting to be.  For a week or two, I secretly wanted to pull her aside and tell her that if she didn't want the baby, I would take it for her.  But, I didn't.  I felt like it was an awful suggestion to tell someone and I felt horrible for even THINKING of doing such.

I found out this past week she had an abortion. My heart sunk and I felt so much anger. There are SO many people out there who are struggling with infertility.  Do you know how abortions are done?!  Do you know what tools they use?!  This is a LIFE?!  Do you know what this does to your body? What if your child was the next president or astronaut?!  How.....why......really?

An update, on my 29th birthday

All week I have been debating on updating, as thoughts whirl through my mind, and emotions have ran high.... I have continued to keep my chin up and remain faithful.

Last week we had our 3 month check up.  At the time, I had lost ALMOST 10% of my body weight, which is SOOOOOOOOO good for me to help treat the PCOS.  As of today, I have officially lost MORE THAN 10% of my body fat and am continuing to go strong.  I feel empowered to know I have been able to lose 25lbs in 10 weeks all on my own, no medications, no quick fix fad diets, just hard work and exercise. 

Though the Metformin is obviously working since I have been menstruating (until this month?!), I am not ovulating.  The doctor told me, "things aren't looking good for conception".  As I heard those words, I could feel myself thinking in my head, "Tessa, don't cry....don't cry".  The doctor sat there in silence watching me, observing me, studying me....waiting for some reaction.  But. I had nothing.  No emotions.  Instead. What was the first thing that was said?  My husband, from behind me out of no where says, "I don't care whether we are pregnant now or never, all that's important is that she gets healthy."

Oh my gosh. I could feel myself melt on the inside.  I don't understand how this man can love me so much.  I really don't, it just.... I can't even put words to it.  A man, who I have so much in common, yet have so many differences, we have come to a spot where we meet in the middle and we just click together like puzzle pieces.  I don't understand how he can be so supportive, and never sway. There are days I still think to myself, "Is this too good to be true?" but there hasn't been one single day I have ever questioned his love and devotion to me.  He is my blessing.  

I got home that night, and away from his presence, became slightly emotional. Again, I was beating myself up, feeling as if this is all my fault.  It's not Matt's, it's not my families or friends, it's mine.  I didn't realize it when I was younger the damage I was doing to my body; I never thought of being a mother at that time. I did what I wanted, when I wanted.  Now, as an adult, I am paying the consequences.

I found out last night my best friend is pregnant and she is concerned as she feels she is too old; she is a year older than me.  Having her tell me this, only solidifies my fears, of how old is too old to have a child of my own?  Will I never have a little red headed blue eyed baby crawling on the floors and playing with the dogs? But. What if?  What if it is and what if it's not?  Will it be the end of the world? 

I don't know much, but there are some things in this world that I know for sure.  I am here to love and be loved. I am not restricted to who I can love and how many.  That being said - what if it has been God's plan all along that I am not meant to be pregnant at this point in time, but to open my house and my heart to a foster child.  A child, who has been taken out of their home and away from their parents under the worst of circumstances; situations, that is no fault of their own?  Oh my gosh.... what if this is God's will for me and look how selfish I have been acting?  

April 1st we will begin our foster care classes to become state licensed in Illinois.  This is the last step as part of our background and paperwork.  While taking the class, all of our background check's will be processed which takes approx 6 weeks.  I can't believe this is finally happening for us. 

Instead of dwelling, questioning, pining over my own selfish feelings, I continue to be hopeful; hopeful that I won't necessarily become a mother one day, but hopeful that I can continue to live the life God wants for me and my family and that I will be able to be used the way he desires.  

In the end.  As we left the office, my doctor told me we will have to attempt with fertility drugs again.  This time, I said "No".  I can't help but feel as though if God truly wanted me pregnant, then heck, I would be!  If not, whether it's timing or what not, than I won't be.  

I truly believe Science can only do so much and go so far, and then God steps in.  

3 months complete and huge strides forward

There have been times in the last few months I wanted to post and check in with how things have been going, and the thoughts I've had.... but to be honest, it was so emotionally draining, that I didn't have the energy to even write about them.

I have now been on Metformin for 3 months, and I need to schedule an appointment to head back into the doctor to check my blood work and see if the Metformin is working.  I can tell you - I have never had 3 periods in a row, and the fact that I have, I know the Metformin is working.  There was a 2 week period where I would have sworn I was pregnant - as did everyone else in the ER.  I had back pain, I would dry heave at the sight of certain foods, I was getting sick throughout different parts of the day, etc.  I finally caved and took a pregnancy test, only to have it appear negative..... I won't put myself through that one again.

I've added certain pages on facebook for other individuals struggling with PCOS, and my goodness, I find I can't let myself view them.  It's so terribly depressing and draws me close to tears reading these stories.  They  make me feel like there's no hope. No Cure. 

My older sister, who also has PCOS, struggled with fertility for 10 yrs before having the most adorable little peanut I have ever seen.  She announced in January, she is pregnant again!  Although at the time, I cried hysterically like a little baby because it was her and not me, I realized how she is a walking example that even though I have PCOS, there is hope!  She is pregnant again with no medications, no fertility treatments, etc and here she is!  

I am FINALLY at a point where I can respond to someone's pregnancy like a normal human being without cursing them under my breath or becoming so insanely jealous.  It's taken awhile.  It still hurts, but I can be genuinely happy for someone.

My husband and I have made a huge decision this past month.  Last Fall we began talking about doing Foster Care/Adoption.  We talked about it for quite awhile, researched and I prayed about it.  We both feel that this is something we want to go forward on.  We can't keep stagnant on waiting for something that may never happen.  We have to be realistic that there is a chance we will never have children of our own.  We've decided to do Foster Care for now, with the possibility of adoption in the future.  We believe that we want to help a child, love a child, whose circumstances are not of their own fault.  

We are excited to be moving forward with our lives and with our family.  It's a huge step, but one I feel that God is control of.  I found a quote a few weeks ago stating that sometimes our plans are not God's plans, but that his are so much better than what we could have ever imagined for ourselves.  I find a lot of comfort in that.  

We have an abundance of paperwork to fill out.  Our 3 dogs were amazing during our first home visit by the social worker - that was our biggest concern.  Because we stated we wanted to do age 0-10yrs, the only thing our house was not compliant with was I need to put my medication (Metformin and prenatal vitamins) back into the medicine cabinet; I keep them on the kitchen window ledge so I remember to take them lol and we have to get outlet covers for all the outlets in the house.  Everything else was already up to par! whoo hoo!!!

Starting April 1st, we will begin taking training classes mandated by the state of Illinois.  Only problem is I work Monday evenings and work isn't really being as giving with schedule lee-way as I had hoped, but I will get it figured out. There's no ifs, ands, or buts here..... this is something I will do, and thankfully, with God in control, everything will fall into place.

Also, in 7 weeks, I have lost 19 some pounds and finally am working out.  The doctor felt that to help decrease the severity of the PCOS, if I could start to get a little weight off, it would make a huge difference.... well, I can tell you I am definitely feeling better.  I am just trying to stay focused so I can better our chances!

Finally, adjustments!

Yesterday I was on call for 16 hours.  I was nervous going into it because I didn't know if I would be able to still eat if we got a long haul, and then if we did get a long haul, I didn't want to end up eating crap.

We ended up getting a 7 hour transport.  I made sure to take the metformin as I was leaving and I quickly packed a sandwich bag of almonds and a jug of water for the road.

The drive down I spent a lot of time just day dreaming and thinking about how supportive my husband has been....and how lucky I am.  I mean, maybe it's just my crazy thinking, but I guess I imagined if I man found out his wife might not be able to have kids, he would purchase the cheapest ticket to get the heck out of dodge to find someone else who could.  I know it's my husbands dream to be able to pass along his last name.... and he's the only person who can.  What a weight on his shoulders, huh?  But - he's been amazing.  Too amazing sometimes.  For my glucose check, he came and sat in the waiting room with me for two hours and let me sleep on his shoulder since I had just completed a 12hr over night shift.

Yesterday I didn't feel sick at all and I think my body has finally adjusted to the metformin....just in time to up the dose LOL.  One thing I am noticing very quickly, is how much my appetite is now near non existent and I am forcing myself to stop eating once I'm full...or at least, comfortable.

I guess when someone finally tells you it's do or die, or in my case, either I will have children or I can't, it really lights a fire under your bum.

An 8yr catch up!

It's been a long journey and many mis-diagnosis over the last 8 years.  It's ironic, some things that happened I can barely even remember, but now, as my husband and I are 3 years into our journey of a desire to become parents, these puzzle pieces begin to make sense.

I decided to start an online journal of what we are going through, in hopes, that someone who is also dealing with infertility, might stumble upon it and feel comforted that they aren't alone.  Thankfully - I have an amazing support group of a few close girl friends (many who recently stepped out of the woodwork and came to my side) and an older sister who has become my rock and crutch.  If it wasn't for her - I don't know how I would have gotten through the last 2 years emotionally.

Let's try and catch everyone up real quick.  When I was 21yrs old, I was told I could never have children because I supposedly didn't have a cervix. I remember sitting in the hospital parking lot crying hysterically as I tried to call my older sister - who did her best to comfort me.  It was then, the first time, she told me she would be a surrogate for me. I saw doctor after doctor (4 in one summer) and the last one wanted me to go into the city and see a specialist.....never happened.  When I was 23yrs old, ta-da, I was told I DID have a cervix. Turns out - my hymen just never broke until I was 23! Ha!  I didn't know that was even possible?!

When I was 24, I went off birth control for the first time in 10 years.  I was put on birth control when I was 14 to regulate my very irregular periods.  After going off the birth control, I would have a period maybe once every 6-10 months.

Throughout 24-26 yrs old, I had normal and "red flag" annual paps.  I got to the point where I didn't even want to go in for my annual exam, worrying where they would stick, poke, or cut me next.  When my husband and I started to try to conceive, I was 26 and had been together a year.  We were very proactive initially, but then decided not to necessarily TRY to become pregnant but just, "if it happens it happens".

When I was 27, we began fertility treatments.  I initially started on a low dosage of clomid.  When that round didn't take, they bumped up the round.  The emotions were awful, as was the blood work.  During an ultra sound, they discovered I had several cysts on my ovaries, and severe cysts on my right ovary.  They diagnosed me with PCOS and told me to lose 10 lbs and it would help (okay, before you go getting upset, hang in there, it gets crazy!).  I began my second round just before turning 28yrs old, in 2008. Shortly after I started my second round of clomid, I began having severe abdominal pains.  Turned out - my gall bladder had to come out, stat!  Surgery happened February 14, 2012.  After that - we took time off from the infertility treatments.

We moved this past summer to "start new" and I decided to go back to college to finish my degree.  With the move, we lost our health insurance. Still struggling with fertility, through my new job, I now have health insurance....which does not cover fertility treatments.  I thought maybe there were things they could help with without labeling them as fertility treatments.

My first appointment was 3 weeks ago with an annual pap and blood work.  I passed out twice that day.  I have very bad veins - they roll, are deep and are extremely tiny.  I received a phone call later that week and was told my blood work came back normal and my thyroid - which I thought was the culprit, was normal as well.

Week 2 - we did a glucose test.  I fast for 12 hours, and drank over 4 liters of water in hopes they would be able to access the vein.  They did and then I drank a decent amount of this orange sugar liquid and waited for two hours, followed by more blood work.

Last week (week 3), I went back to the doctors for the results..... and .... WOW!  We found out that I did test positive for PCOS and asked me what testings my previous OBGYN did to discover I had PCOS and I said all they did was the ultra sound and told me to lose 10 lbs.  Whoa - my midwife, was TICKED!  She said there's multiple steps that need to be established in order to truly test someone for PCOS, not just an ultra sound.

Turns out, my body isn't producing any insulin, which explains the extreme weight gain I had several years ago (70 lbs in 13 months), why I've struggled to lose weight, and why I seem to have dizzy spells and nauseous when I haven't eaten in several hours.  We also discovered my body is barely producing estrogen and my testosterone levels are extremely high.

They decided to treat me with Metformin, which is used for diabetics, but is a secondary medication to treat PCOS.  The midwife, was beyond amazing and very kind.  Week 1 is one pill a day, week 2 is two pills a day and week three will be 3 pills a day for the next 3 months.  I was put on a high protein low carb diet, I was told to exercise at least 30 min a day and to get 15min of sunlight a day.....and to stay on my prenatal vitamin!

I've now been on metformin for 6 days....and only one of those days, I have not been sick.  I have a lot of stomach aches now and feel just "yucky" most of my afternoon.  I was warned though, as my body adjusts to the metformin, that will be the case.  I have however, went from 259 lbs down to 254lbs.

We have been eating extremely healthy and every meal is full of protein. We have been eating a lot of eggs, yogurt, fruit, turkey, chicken and salads.  I definitely feel better, I need to begin the working out process, but my work schedule is so chaotic, I'm so tired by the time I have a chance to work out...regardless, it has to happen.

I know I filled this entry with a lot of information spread out over many years..... but now you're up to date and from here on out I feel like I will be able to more describe my own personal feelings with what all is happening and will become a little more personal.

I'm excited to share my story with anyone else who might be struggling.  I know it's not easy and i know there's soooo many emotions you go through.  But I can tell you, that this is the first time in 3 years I feel like I have hope that if we can get the PCOS under control, I might have a chance at becoming a mother!